hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
