That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
