I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
