i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize