dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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