So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
