based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
