i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
