Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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