The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
third nipple confirmed
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
