i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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