trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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