First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
