I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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