i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
