I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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