Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
