sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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