Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
