Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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