Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
