Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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