new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize