I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Floor bacon is actually really good
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
