So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
