Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
