my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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