There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
