Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
