My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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