I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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