How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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