I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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