I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
