Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize