Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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