btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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