I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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