Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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