omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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