You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
