last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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