Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
