I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
