i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
