the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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