About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
