She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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