She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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