she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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