you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
