Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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