If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
