Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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